My personal hell
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I had quite the day today from the kids staying home from school because of cough and stomach issues, taking the cat to the vet for a worm treatment, to going to my doctor to talk about a change in meds.
I don’t make it a big secret that I have depression. It runs in my family and I’ve had bouts of it for a long time, even while back in high school. I never said much to anyone and just lived with it. There is no “just get over it” for depression. It is always there. I can be laughing at a joke Annmarie tells me one minute, then I hang up and burst into tears. There is no real reason why, it just is.
Depression remained a constant in my life, but then I had kids and postpartum depression hit me. I admitted my depression and started on a med to help.
I’ve continued on my med for depression since. With all the changes that I went through over the past year (oophorectomy in March following months of pain from an ovarian torsion…and doctors not knowing why I was in pain until they did surgery…and then an abdominal hysterectomy in April…and complications needing home health visits) I did get my med dose increased at one point. It helped.I do think the hormonal influence of having an ovary removed had a lot to do with my imbalance. (Estrogen is a natural antidepressant.)
For the past few months, I hardly can stand myself. The exercising I’m doing helps, but I should feel better than I do. Why do I want to cry for no reason? Why can’t I get motivated to do anything? Why is it so damn hard to stay asleep at night? And why do I want to retreat to bed during the day? All signs of depression. Time for a treatment change.
So I’m to start a new med tomorrow. I also asked for therapy. Hopefully this will all help me get back to feeling human again. An interesting thing I did read about my new med, it is supposed to help in weight loss.
All those commercials about depression are true. You hurt for no reason. You’re sad for no reason. You feel trapped within your own sadness.It’s a personal hell…that I’m determined to escape.
7 comments
Depression runs in my family as well. I suffer on and off. A few years ago my depression triggered a bad case of OCD that almost crippled me. Seriously.
My doc put me on Effexor and it almost controls my OCD and helps w/the depression. The sad thing is how hard it is to find a med that works for ALL the symptoms and doesn’t have hideous side effects.
The fact that you are willing and able to fight for your health means you will get your depression under control. Hopefully you have family support. Know that you have online friend support.
I’m here for you and cheering for you.
Annmarie
*Hugs* I’m in the “been there, done that” camp — I’ve got a family history of depression as well and have battled it on and off for the past … well, since my teenage years when I look back at it now. As Annemarie says, know that you have lots of online friends who are willing to listen to you and understand that burst-in-tears hell you’re trapped in.
First of all I want to commend you for being so honest about what you are going through. I always believe that in telling things like this, you might be helping someone else who has the same thing. I admit I’m concerned about u. It’s not like I can just hop in the car and check on u. But u know if I had a good enough reason- I WOULD!! LOL Hell, I have a new trans now… LOL And maybe you laugh at my jokes and then hang up and cry because u realize that what I said wasn’t that funny after all!! Just an idea… Love ya and chin up!
PS- I can’t get the image of ur kitty with… ugh… you know what. If I saw that I’d be scarred for life. Really.
Hi Mari, I’m a fellow EC author and I am suffering through the throws of PPD. My youngest was born in June 2009. He was also my last. I had a tubal ligation during my c-section. I don’t think the TL is helping with anything.
It’s been BAD, and I’ve been hiding it, worried about alienating myself from my friends and everything.
Thank you for the post. I don’t feel so alone anymore. Thank you for sharing. Hugs.
Amy-
No, you’re not alone. PPD is really hard. That sudden shift in hormones can really make you crazy. Don’t hide. Tell your doctor about it. Tell your husband.
Quite frankly, I can’t remember the first six months after having my girls (twins). I was in a haze of exhaustion from the night feedings. When they slept through the night the first time, I thought I slept through their crying because of being so tired. LOL
Annmarie-
I do have lots of support. My family and friends (online and in the flesh) are all wonderful and understanding. My kids don’t understand, but they try.
The doctor wanted to try to adding to my meds rather than change them. I’m going to be starting Wellbutrin in addition to Zoloft. I suggested therapy and that will hopefully start in a few days.
Leah-
Thank you so much. It really does help to know I do have people to talk to, even online.
And Annmarie O.-
Girl, you ARE funny. Believe me, I wish we lived closer too. We’ll just have to continue calling each other a thousand times a day.
I remember those sleepless nights. Oy. I also live in Canada which doesn’t help with it being freaking cold and dark all the time. I’ve been taking B12, which helps a bit but I think I’m going to have to give up the ghost and talk to my Dr.
After my second child I did have therapy, and it helped. Then he gave up practice and left and I didn’t find a new guy.
Hugs to you. I really needed to read this today.
Amy,
I know a lot of people say no to medications, but life with them when they do their job is better than without. I had friends say to me years ago when I started Zoloft not to go on it. Why? They claimed it stole creativity. But you know, depression does that. Wouldn’t I be more creative when I’m feeling better? The answer is yes.
And if you aren’t seeing an internal medicine MD, I suggest making a change. General practitioners can’t give you focused treatment.
If you ever want to chat, email me. mariannelacroix @ gmail.com